Heart Attack Grill

Go big or go home. That seems to be the thought process behind the Heart Attack Grill on Fremont Street. Big appetites, big burgers, big people, and big disappointment. Well, I'm sure the first three were in their plan, the fourth one just came about on its own. Ever since I'd heard about the Heart Attack Grill I was intrigued. Monster food portions cooked in the fattiest ways actually entices me, especially when there's a theme behind it. But a theme can only take a place so far when the heart of the establishment has in fact, stopped beating.

A friend of mine wanted to eat here on his birthday before a night out of convivialism, so I took that opportunity to finally try this infamous restaurant. There were a lot of surprises throughout our time here. First and foremost, cash only… Really? If this were some deli in New York I'd understand, but a major spot on Freemont Street? Even the parking meters take debit/credit cards right down the way! Secondly, we were required to put on hospital gowns as we entered and were assisted by one of the "nurses" while putting the gowns on. While entering the dining area, I noticed it was pretty much a ghost town. There may have been one or two couples eating at tables and that was it. It was 6pm on a Monday, but c'mon, that's pretty dead. (And a bad sign!) We sat at the bar and took a look at the menu. Another shock to me, it wasn't a menu full of crazy and rediculously sinful concoctions, it was four burgers and some fries…that's it. The full extent of the food portion of the menu was four variations of one item, and one of an other.

Before partaking in the meal portion of the night, we told our "nurse" that it was our friend's birthday and she immediately responded by grabbing a microphone and wooden paddle to give him three birthday spankings. *See Video*

The burgers offered here come in four sizes: the Single, Double, Triple, and Quadruple Bypass. Each stacking on an extra 1/2lb patty. Each burger also had the option of adding 4, 8, 10, and 14 bacon strips respectively. Since we were waiting for a few more friends to show up, we decided on two things, first the Flatliner Fries to just munch on before ordering and some adult beverages. One of the fun options on their menu is the choice of Colt 45 or Old English 800 in 24oz cans. How could I pass up a choice like that? When we got our Ol' Es they were served (as they always should be) in brown paper bags. Classy. The fries came pretty quick and were a definitive brown shade, I'm assuming from being deep fried in absolutly pure lard. They were super rich and greasy with a hint of cooked pork flavor. These will fill you up fast, so be careful chowing down on em if you plan on attempting any of the burgers after. 

I ordered the Double Bypass Burger with 8 strips of bacon. It's a good thing I eat healty most of the time, because this beast was a full pound before even adding the bacon! This caloric behemoth consisted of two 1/2lb beef patties, half a tomato, American cheese, red onions, and their secret sauce. And yes, I did put the whole thing down in one sitting! When ordering, I inquired if I could get it medium rare and was responded with a big fat "nope". That always pains me to hear when it comes to burgers or steaks. So, once I received my well done burger, I had at it. The bun was fresh and had a good texture to it, the beef patties were Okay, but nothing to write home about. The tomato seemed fresh, but the red onions were just sad and wet. They seemed half ass sautéed. The best thing about the burger was the added bacon strips. They were thick and juicy with the right amount of grease to them. After toughing through a solid 15 mins of eating this thing I was finally finished and felt accomplished as a man devouring over a pound of meat, but at the same time saddened that I really didn't enjoy most of what I had eaten. 

As far as the feel of the joint, there wasn't much. It felt like a forced concept with no heart to attack. The overall theme is meant to look like a 50's diner, but all the music being played was from the 80's and 90's, and our order was taken with an iPod touch. So it seemed a little all over the place. The music is really what kept us entertained. They had an iMac controlling the big music video board behind the bar, so we took turns making song requests from those eras. And the reason we had to keep our selves entertained in the first place is because the wait staff of "nurses" really seemed as if they couldn't care much about making sure everyone was having a good experience. There were the occasional spankings, but otherwise the wait staff was no different than what you would get from going to a two star chain restaurant. 

All in all, I guess it's fun to say I've been there once and had a humongous burger, but that's about it. I have zero desire to ever go back there again and although we had a good time, it was more by our own accord than the Heart Attack Grill's almost vapid attempt at a themed eatery. It's in a location that has decimated everything ever put in it and I'll go ahead and assume it wont be around for an other year or so because of the lack of a pulse of the staff, being cash only, and only having two edible menu items, to name a few reasons. For me, the Heart Attack Grill was a flatline overall without the need of resuscitation.  

Rating Description
out of 10
5 Location
Double edged sword here, it's a good location to get to since it's smack dab on Freemont Street, but the building that it's in has cursed every establishment that's tried to survive.
4 The Décor
There's mock movie posters that have had Heart Attack Grill makeovers and a huge video wall behind the bar, otherwise there's not much else to look at that's stimulating.
7 The Prices
Eh, I guess for the amount of food you're getting, the prices aren't that bad. Drink prices are $5-$10 though.
3 The Drinks
No draft beer. Shots are $10 for 4oz!
6 The Food
Selection is terrible. The food is good but not great.
It's a tourist trap that could be fun and delicious, but is neither.
(out of 10)